Little Girl
by WhisperedTruths
Summary: Nobody would ever describe Rory Gilmore as strong or independent, driven and dedicated maybe. She was described as weak, untouchable, or fragile. But then suddenly everybody’s opinion changed and they started to think otherwise all because of a fluke.
1. Not herself

Disclaimer: I do not own Gilmore Girls.

Listen little girl

I'm sorry

But you're not a little girl anymore

It's time…

To let go of your mothers hand

Sweet Dreams.

Nobody would ever describe Rory Gilmore as strong or independent, driven and dedicated maybe. She was described as weak, untouchable, or fragile. But then suddenly everybody's opinion changed and they started to think otherwise all because of a fluke. Is Rory Gilmore really strong or was she as weak as people always assumed she was?

Rory Gilmore was walking home from her semi- boyfriend's dorm. She was thinking about ending the casual relationship, she wanted more. So while she was lost in thought a man wearing all black came up to her and punched her in the nose. He tugged at her purse until she moved her hands up to her bleeding nose as instinct. The man started to make a getaway when he tripped on her foot and fell on his face. Security came and arrested the mugger. Rory Gilmore was deemed a hero. She had caught Yale's serial mugger after all, albeit she just stood there while he tripped on her foot.

At that moment though, Rory Gilmore felt anything but strong. Her nose ached, she was nauseated by her own blood and she was scared shitless. Security had accompanied her to the Yale Wellness Center where she got cotton balls stuffed up her nose. She looked into the mirror that night, and cringed at her nose, it was crooked and bruised. She would need plastic surgery to get her old nose back. She cursed the felon with every curse word she knew before quietly crying herself to sleep.

The next day she took the cotton balls out and gently applied cover up to her broken nose. She sighed, never wanting to look into the mirror again. She hated her face now. She picked up her backpack, walked out of her room and upon entering the living area she spotted her purse from last night. Her life was drastically altered because of six dollars, a scraped up cell phone, a stick of gum and a frilly pen. Anger seethed into her skin and she picked up the purse and hurled it across the room. The contents spilling on the floor. She didn't feel satisfied, it wasn't enough.

Weirdly enough, Rory Gilmore had never been vain.

She slammed the door of her dorm closed and kicked it in vain. Her toe pounded and she winced. 'Not so smart Gilmore.' she thought. Just as she was turning around for class her broken nose smelled coffee, which meant someone was standing behind her. She jumped out of her skin.

"Chill Ace, it's just me." She heard her semi boyfriend laugh. She turned around preparing herself for the worst.

"What happened?" His voice so full of concern, she almost wanted to puke.

"Don't act like you care, Logan, that's what boyfriends do, they care. And you aren't my boyfriend." She hissed at him before walking past him and the coffee.

"Rory?" He called after her, more concerned than before. Did he just lose something important? He shook his head and walked away to class.

Throughout her classes that day she felt like everyone was staring at her, and truth be told they were. But not for the reason she though. Noses could be fixed the rich and elite thought. All the watchers wanted was to get a glimpse at the girl who had made Yale safe. They turned to their neighbors and snickered about what a wuss the thief was to be caught by such a small girl, or to snicker about how she hid behind a scared girl façade and was actually a black belt. But to Rory Gilmore she was self conscience and tried in vain to cover her nose with her hand. She had sat in the back of her classes that day, hoping to go unnoticed.

Rory Gilmore ran to her dorm, it had started to rain and her nose started to bleed again. She walked into the warm and dark room and heard her scratched up cell phone ring. She walked over to it while Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams played. She glared at it before stepping on it. She used to love that phone.

She walked into the bathroom and closed her eyes as soon as she realized what she had done. She looked in the mirror. She threw open the medicine cabinet and grabbed the prescription bottle full of cotton balls, the ones that were solid and tube shaped, perfect for a bloody nose. She stuffed them up her nostrils and walked into her room, the only place she felt normal. Her dorm phone rang and she cursed feeling pulled out of her peace time. She only had a half an hour to pull herself together before she had to go to the newspaper. She walked over to the phone.

"Whoever this is just SHUT UP. I do not have time for a fucking casual conversation. So really, I don't care what you have to say you might as well hang up." She paused and when she didn't hear a click or anybody on the phone she spoke into it again, this time much more calm.

"Hello?" Calm but it was still annoyed.

"Much better. Is that rich school teaching you such angry words?" It was her mother and as much as she wanted to break down and cry and tell her everything, she felt somewhat alone with this matter. It was a need to know basis, and her mother didn't need to know.

"I don't have time for this."

"Hey." Her mother snapped, something she had never heard her mother do to her before. "You will not talk to me like that, I am your mother. I didn't have to give birth to you but I did anyway."

"Does this have a point?" Rory Gilmore snapped right back.

"Okay, I can understand you having a bad day, but this is me, don't you use that attitude on me."

"What? What did you call for?" She responded in a monotone voice with just a twinge of annoyance.

"Like that's much better, Rory, what's going on."

She stayed quiet, tears were falling down her cheeks and she felt numb. She felt like a bad person. So she hung up the phone. It rang only seconds later. Rory Gilmore wiped away her tears and left early for the newspaper.

"Who are you to hang up on me, your mother, who by the way is pissed off. Rory you answer this phone right now. RORY!" Her mother's voice blasted on the answering machine. The phone ran again and again and again, but nobody was there to be annoyed by it.

Rory Gilmore walked into the newspaper and everything stopped, people looked up at her and then came the applause. Doyle headed over to her, holding a newspaper which had in all caps the headline: RORY GILMORE CAMPUS HERO; CAUGHT MUGGER. Rory Gilmore was not flattered by this, though. She placed her hand on her bruised nose, shocked to find the cotton balls there. She took a deep breath before she started to chew her editor/roommate's boyfriend out.

"Hero? He was a klutz, he tripped on my foot, I did nothing but stand there. You can't print this, it's all a lie. I am not a hero, I didn't do anything." Somewhere between opening her mouth and speaking she realized she wasn't chewing him out.

"Ladies and Gentlemen she's modest too." She heard Logan Huntzberger snicker.

"Oh fuck off Logan. We are so over." She turned to leave. A pair of eyes watching with sympathy.

"Hey Rory, wait up?" She turned around to the owner of the voice and glared at her.

"Paris. What do you want? To congratulate me for having such big feet?"

"No, to see how you're holding up. It's okay to be scared, I mean it was scary right?" Her roommate offering her sympathy, which seemed to make her laugh.

"Paris, leave me alone."

"No. Look at yourself, your shaking like a leaf with fear, your-"

"with anger, I'm shaking with anger. Leave me alone Paris, I can obviously take care of myself." Rory Gilmore hissed with venom. She marched down the hall and out into the rain. She walked everywhere, aimlessly. She got into her car and started to drive in circles. She found a small café in the bad part of town. Not feeling like coffee, but tired of being alone parks her car and walks inside the joint. She finds a table and sits there, alone.

"What can I get ya, young lady?" The sweet old lady behind the counter asks her.

"Coffee, I guess."

"You're not from around here are ya?" The lady asked. Rory Gilmore pushed back the urge to leave. She didn't want to ask questions.

"Did you're boyfriend do that? We gets lots of ladies like that in here, 'specially when it's raining?"

"No, I got mugged and everyone thinks I'm some sort of hero." She answered before taking a sip of the coffee, which she found to better than Luke's.

"Excellent Coffee." She commented, the lady nodded.

"Ya know, I think you'll get used to it." Rory Gilmore looked up at the lady, questionable.

"Ya don't hafta lie to me, miss. I know you got a man, who done this to you."

"No lady. My boyfriend didn't do this, I don't even have a boyfriend."

"He'll hit you 'gain and 'gain 'til you can't cry out for him to stop." Rory Gilmore shivered and gulped before pulling out a bill. She placed it on the counter and made a run for it. Good coffee or not, that women scared her to death.

She returned to her dorm room, soaked and cold. She opened it and found her mother sitting on the couch, holding her scratch up stepped on cell phone.

"Mom? What are you doing here?"

"You hung up on. Daughters don't hang up on their mothers."

"You hang up on Grandma all the time."

"Different story. And I'd appreciate it if you looked at me when you spoke to me. I didn't raise a Neanderthal." Rory Gilmore turned around at her mother's words.

Her mother gasped at her broken nose and stood up to hold her. Rory Gilmore backed away.

"I don't need you anymore." Rory Gilmore spat out, the words ripping out Lorelai's heart. If it wasn't for Rory Gilmore's voice quivering, Lorelai would have retaliated. Instead she walked up to her daughter, backing her against the wall, and hugged.

"Hush, baby. I love you, I got you." And Rory Gilmore melted into her mother's arms.

The thing was, Rory Gilmore didn't feel like Rory Gilmore anymore.

Please Review. Should I continue or not?


	2. I will hug you when I damn well want to

I don't own Gilmore Girls.

Hey thanks for the review.

Please review again.

Rory woke up at three twenty four in the morning. She sighed. This had been going on since the almost mugging. She turned over and turned on the bed side lamp. She picked up her book, The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold, and started to read. She loved that book. It always made her cry. It always made her think about death and about how her mother would literally fall into irreparable pieces. Rory closed her eyes and unconsciously put her hand to her nose, which had been realigned and didn't need surgery. She had just realized that she had already fallen into irreparable pieces. She furiously threw the book and heard as it hit her pencil jar, she heard as the pencils and pens fell on floor. The night before she had broken a lamp. The night before that she had destroyed her printer. She still needed to replace that.

Rory felt herself falling, so she picked up her dorm phone and called her mother. Lorelai had stayed with her the first couple of nights but left on Rory's request. Rory felt she needed to get over this on her own. But she wrong.

"Hello you have reached Lorelai's pancake house, leave an order and it'll be ready in fifteen years or when I learn to cook, whichever comes first. Hope you are not hungry. Mwhaha." Lorelai's voice screeched on the Gilmore message machine.

"Um never mind" Rory quietly said before hanging up and throwing the phone on her bed. She walked into the common area and turned on the TV, she stared blankly at the illuminated screen. She couldn't take it anymore. She went into her rooms and put on her fuzzy pig slippers and grabbed her keys, which was now equipped with a pepper spry key chain for obvious reasons.

She left her dorm and started to wander the Yale campus. It was so abandoned, calm and serene at this hour. Nobody was out. But something wasn't right. She would normally take peace in the tranquility and compare it to Stars Hollow in the early morning. But now, she just felt alone.

After walking for some time she stopped and sat down on a bench. She look at the trees as the swayed in the cold wind. She looked up at the clouds that opened up and cried on her and the campus. But she didn't move. She was soaked from head to slipper and her limbs were turning blue and numb. She made no move to go back to her dorm or to conceal her body warmth. She simply sat there and stared at the stars.

"Ace." She heard from a few yards away. But still she jumped out of her skin. She looked up and saw Logan, also soaking wet.

"Hey." She responded and he took that as a reason to come closer. He sat down next to her and offered her his coat. She shook her head no.

"I've been sort of watching you. You haven't really been you." He said to her while looking down at the wet pavement.

"I'm sorry. You know about the way I broke up with you. I'm sorry about that." Rory responded to him.

"Ace. What's wrong? Why haven't you been you? You are never smiling or laughing. It's like life was sucked out of you." He asked her and Rory just looked at the sky.

"You know it doesn't help that they keep calling me a hero, I mean he tripped. I did nothing but stand there."

"Still. He tripped on your foot. And you made Yale safer." Logan clarified. He felt like he was walking on eggshells around her lately.

"I'm really worried about you, Ace. And Paris I worried about you, too. Doyle doesn't think you're writing up to your standard and I have to agree. I am sure that Martin or Mark is worried about you. Your mom must be super worried."

"Then why is she not answering her phone when I need her, why is she sleeping with the diner man?" Rory interrupted bitterly.

"Hey, that's not fair. Rory I'm sure she didn't mean it, but she has a life too." Rory knew he was right. She couldn't have called her mom's cell phone or Luke's. But she didn't. She also knew her mother would give up everything for her, but for some reason she found peace in being angry with her mother.

"I guess. But why isn't she here, with me, when I need her?" She complained. She purposefully forgot that she had asked her mother to leave.

"Rory. Come on. She loves you."

"I guess." She paused.

"You never forgave me. I said I was sorry about the break up and you never said 'I forgive you'" She continued. Logan looked up from the ground and searched her eyes. They weren't the same, they looked haunted and confused.

"You weren't yourself. Besides I just ignored that. According to me, we are still together." He smiled at her. Hoping that she would smile too, or laugh or even smirk. But no such hope.

"Logan." She said it quietly and he knew that she was serious about break up, no matter how it had gone.

"Come on, let's go back to my dorm and watch _Office Space_ four times." He got up and offered her his hand. She didn't accept it.

"Logan you can't give me what I need." She told him. She looked down at the ground and felt the cold for the first time.

"What do you need Rory?" He asked her, almost afraid of the answer.

"I need to be held, I need someone to fight the bad guys, I need someone to make it all go away. I need someone to love me. I need someone to make me feel better." She paused to gauge his reaction and when she saw none, she continued. "I need strings, Logan, strings. I want to be yours and only yours and I want you to be mine and only mine."

Logan looked at her and knew he would break her heart in a relationship with strings. But looking at her now, he realized that by saying no he would also break her heart. And he didn't want to break her heart.

"You can have my strings Ace, but no tying me to them." He laughed at his play on words but soon stopped. Rory had caught the wording and had obviously analyzed them. He had broken her.

"I tell you my heart's desires and you do this. Logan I gave you… I'm in emotional ruin and you do this. I can't believe you." She tearlessly cried to him and then got up and started to walk the other way.

"Rory, let me fix you." He yelled out to her, but she kept on walking.

"Rory, let me fix you." He said quieter knowing that even if she heard him she wouldn't turn back, she'd keep in going because he had broken an already broken girl.

Rory walked around for a bit before deciding she wanted to get drunk. She walked to her car and opened the door. She got inside and quickly locked the doors. She searched her car for her emergency gas money and then got out of the car, locking the car on her way out. She walked into the seven eleven and scanned the store for alcohol. She finally decided on a twelve dollar bottle of tequila. She walked up to the clerk and smiled.

"I need to see your ID." The bored and tired man said.

"Look, I'm nineteen and really need to get drunk. I can't sleep, I don't feel like myself and my ex boyfriend just poured salt in my _bloody_ wounds. I really need this." She explained to the clerk. He didn't look impressed.

"Do you have any ID?" The man asked.

"Um, no. But I'll kiss you." The man looked at her interested and pulled her into a disgusting kiss. He took her money and bagged the tequila. She felt disgusted and whore-like so she made a quick exit.

"Come again, it was a pleasure doing business with you." She heard the clerk say on her way out the door. She shuddered.

She waited until she was in her dorm before she took a sip of the alcohol. It stung her mouth and burned her throat. She made a disgusted face then took another sip. She banged on her roommates door, not wanting to drink alone. When the door opened an aura of fury wafted into the common room. A furious Paris screamed at her.

"What?" Rory simply held out the bottle of liquor and Paris slammed the door closed.

Rory walked into her room and picked up the previously discarded phone and dialed her mother's cell phone.

"Rory? This better be you or else I am gonna kill whoever is calling at 4:30 in the morning." Lorelai tiredly babbled into the phone.

"Mom, I am gonna drive home so we can get drunk" The she hung up the phone. She didn't want to hear her mother talk her out of it, or discover that she was already tipsy. She grabbed her coat and keys and left her dorm for the second time that night.

When she arrived at Luke's Diner she saw her mom standing outside in plaid and holding a black umbrella. She messily parked the car and stumbled out holding the bottle of her precious yellow cheap liquor. Lorelai rushed over to her and started to scream.

"Are you alright? Are you stupid? Have you lost your mind? Because if not you are in serious trouble for driving drunk. That's just so unlike you." Lorelai ranted and thanked god that her daughter had survived the trip to Stars Hollow.

"Have a drink?" Rory slurred out, unfazed by her mothers worry and anger.

"Geeze, Rory have some common sense. Don't buy the cheap stuff, it'll kill you."

"Like you care."

"Hey don't you say that. I do care." Lorelai suddenly defended herself to a very different Rory. Then again she had never been around drunk Rory.

"Oh right, so where were you when I needed you. You leave me all alone while I am in ruins and go and fuck the first guy you see." Rory screamed at her mother.

"Okay one. I do care about you and love you very much. Two you asked me to leave and I have had my cell phone on for every hour of the day. Three Luke is my boyfriend and whoever I fuck is none of your business." When Rory remained silent she continued.

"Well I am glad you admit that there is a problem and I'll set up an appointment for you with a phychiatrist in the morning."

"Gilmore's don't need to talk about their problems." Rory smugly said as she took another sip of the vile liquid.

"Hmm." Lorelai was speechless which was rare. She stepped forward to envelope Rory into a hug, but Rory took a shaky step back. "Hey, I am your mother and if I want to hug you I damn well will." She took another step forward and Rory took another step backwards.

Lorelai hated this. This was the third time Rory had refused a hug. She was tired of angry and vulnerable and broken Rory. She wanted her daughter, wherever she was. So she didn't think and she slapped Rory, The bottle of tequila hit the pavements and the contents seeped into the cracks unnoticed by the Gilmore girls.

"Rory, let me help you. Please." Lorelai tried to rationalize with her stunned and drunk daughter.

"I'm going back to Yale." Rory took a step towards the drivers door when Lorelai reached out and grabbed her arm.

"Like hell you are." Lorelai yelled at her. Rory pushed her mother away from her. Lorelai stunned and caught off guard by her daughters actions fell on the pavement, cutting her hand on the broken glass. She looked up and noticed that Rory was in the car and was trying to insert the key into the ignition. Lorelai leaped up and ran to the car door, it was locked. She cursed the mugger who did this to her daughter as she banged on the door.

"Rory, Stop it. Think for a second, this isn't right. RORY!" She screamed as her daughter peeled out of the parking spot.

"RORY. STOP." She screamed at the top of her lungs as Rory ran the longest red light in the world. She turned to go and get Luke's car keys so she could follow her daughter when she heard a crash.

"RORY!" She screamed louder than she thought possible. She ran down the street her daughter had turned on and noticed the car smashed into a phone pole. To her amazement she saw Rory stumble out of the car, from the distance she was at her daughter looked unharmed. A perk for drunk people. She ran to her daughter with her heart beating fast and grabbed her daughter in a hug.

"Mom?" Rory's quiet and pathetic voice asked. She wasn't sober but she wasn't drunk either. She was more aware of her actions.

"Baby, are you okay. Any Booboo's?" Lorelai asked.

"My head and arm hurt a little." Rory answered ashamed of herself as her earlier action played out into her head.

"Oh Okay. Can you walk? I left my cell phone at Luke's and you still replaced yours."

"I can walk." She answered feeling like a little girl.

"Okay, but how about I help steady you, like this" Lorelai said as she put an arm around Rory's waist and shifted her daughters weight onto her.

"Yeah, Okay, I'd like that."

The two walked side by side to Luke's. Both feeling tired from all the stress. Both in massive amounts of emotional and physical pain. Both leaning on each other as if they were each others necessary oxygen.


	3. Confusion in A minor

I don't own Gilmore Girls

Thank you so much for the reviews.

The two Gilmore girls walked into the diner feeling emotionally drained. Lorelai sat Rory down on one of the chairs before running up the stairs to the apartment. Rory sat in the chair zoning in and out as the room spun. She shifted her focus onto her left arm, which was bleeding. And it hurt like hell. She placed her right hand over the wound to stop the blood from leaving her, like everyone else. It wasn't true, of course. Rory was pushing them away. She just couldn't deal with what happened, because technically nothing happened.

She hated this. But she didn't know what _this_ was. She couldn't hate him, the mugger, could she? All he did was break her nose, trip on her foot and get arrested. She suspects that he might have stolen her sanity. She chuckles to herself, realizing it's the first time she's laughed in long time. So, she stops. She didn't want to fool herself into thinking that she was herself.

Lorelai and Luke came bounding down the stairs and the loud and sudden noise frightened Rory. She wanted to curl up into a ball or hide in the corner, punish herself for something she hadn't a clue she's done wrong. Lorelai ran up to and tried to get her daughter to stand up. Rory resisted, she's been doing that a lot lately.

"Rory, Luke's going to drive you to the hospital." Lorelai softly told her daughter, when in reality her worry had worn off and she wanted to reprimand Rory for her stupidity. But yelling made Rory yell, and then they'd never get anywhere. She was afraid that Rory was beyond repair.

Rory looked at her mother's tired and old eyes. Had her mother aged overnight? She didn't know, she was a bad daughter. She finally stood up, hoping to get a hug. None came. She was ushered outside into the rainy Stars Hollow streets and she could have sworn she saw Luke giving her a mean look. She didn't want to analyze what it meant, but she did anyway. She had some words to share with Luke if she ever got him alone. What? Was she not allowed to make a mistake. They say you learn the best from past mistakes, or something like that.

"We're here" Luke grumbled. Pissed at Rory for taking his night with Lorelai away, for getting drunk and being stupid (he was still confused in which order they belonged). And now he had to drive the whiny little jam hand brat to the hospital on his one day to sleep in. He offered though, he should have just given the phone to Lorelai. But then she would leave, and Rory would start talking again, about how he and Lorelai shouldn't be together. He had heard most of the fight, and tried to ignore the harsh words. He waited next to Lorelai as Rory was put on a stretcher and taken to the emergency room. He hated hospitals but he loved Lorelai and Lorelai loved Rory. He would do anything for Lorelai and unfortunately that included waiting in a hospital while her daughter was being examined.

"You don't have to stay. I know you don't like hospitals." Lorelai weakly told him.

"She'll be fine you know." He comforted, and wished that Rory would be fine. Because if Rory died, then Lorelai would also die.

"Yeah, I know. I am just worried that she already isn't fine." Luke gave her a confused look and she smiled.

"Did I tell you that had been almost mugged?" She asked hoping that this wasn't included in the secrets category of the relationship.

"How can you be almost mugged?" Luke laughed, hoping to lighten the mood. The mood in that hospital was gloomy, Lorelai, the sun that always shone bright for him was surrounded by dark rain clouds.

"He didn't get away."

"Oh good for Rory."

"No. He got away with so much more than he bargained for." Lorelai rained her hands and started to rub her temples. She stopped and winced at her right hand. Damn Rory for pushing her.

Luke grabbed her hand and looked at it. His faced paled when he saw the dried blood.

"You okay?" A nurse that was passing by asked. He shook his head no then pointed to Lorelai's hand.

"Let's clean that up, shall we." The nurse offered and Lorelai followed, hoping she could get some information on Rory.

"So, do you have any news on my daughter, Rory Gilmore?" Lorelai asked as the doctor was stitching up her hand.

"No, sorry. I am sure her doctor will talk to you soon, though." The doctor offered her, hoping to calm her down, but was unsuccessful. He hated dealing with mothers. They were impatient and annoyed the hospital staff. This mother was no different.

"All done. You should come back in two weeks for me to remove those." The doctor told her. He paused on his way out, he knew what was coming.

"Can you try and track down the doctor working on my daughter?" She asked with hope in her helpless voice, her quiet mouse like voice. The voice she used when reprimanded by her parents growing up.

The doctor nodded before leaving. He had no intention of finding the doctor, but he needed to assure his patient that he would so she wouldn't go crazy and so she wouldn't drive the staff nuts.

Lorelai walked back to Luke and showed off her bandage. He softly smiled, still nauseous from the sight of blood.

"How'd that happen?" He asked her, trying to get her mind off Rory. Unfortunately in the early morning he seemed to forget that he could never get Lorelai to stop thinking about Rory and that she had to have gotten that wound with Rory.

"Rory pushed me and I fell. There was glass on the ground. Hmm. Taylor's going to go insane." She smiled at the bit, as if she was remembering some of the quirks of the quirky town. She said it in a whimsical voice, like she hadn't been there in a long time and wanted to go back.

"What? Rory pushed you. You let her push you?" Luke yelled. She jumped up in her seat. Obviously she wasn't the only one jumpy. Obviously she wasn't expecting that reaction.

"Ok, first of all Luke, Rory was drunk, probably still is. Second of all I didn't let her push me, I was caught off guard." Lorelai defended herself and her daughter.

"That's no excuse. Drunk or not she shouldn't have pushed you. You're her mother for god's sake. Why would she do that?" Luke ranted and Lorelai didn't feel at ease. She wasn't comfortable with Luke attacking her daughter verbally. In fact she wasn't comfortable with anybody yelling at her daughter except herself. Who did Luke think he was, her father?

The two fell silent. When Lorelai didn't respond he figured he had crossed a line. And he had. Lorelai was very possessive with her daughter. She didn't like other people to step in and do the parenting. That was essentially why she didn't marry Max, he wanted to help raise Rory, and she wouldn't let him. In fact looking back on it, Lorelai realized the reason she didn't have any great romances when Rory was growing up was because the men she was dating wanted to help her raise Rory. She thought that since Rory was in college and essentially all grown up this wouldn't be a problem. And it shouldn't be, except her daughter was acting like a little girl.

"Gilmore?" A doctor announced to the people in the waiting room. Lorelai jumped up and raised her hand like she was high school again, or elementary school considering she didn't have much of a high school experience.

"Yeah, how's my daughter?" She frantically asked, now realizing that Rory had been gone for about an hour.

"Follow me." Oh no. She hated that phrase. It meant something was wrong, really wrong.

"Her father can come too." The doctor told Lorelai. Luke started to awkwardly get up.

"He's not her father." She clarified and then walked off with the doctor.

The doctor escorted Lorelai to a room, and stopped outside to talk to her. She peeped into the windows and felt more relaxed seeing her daughter sitting up and reading _People_ magazine.

"Sorry it took so long, but we had to wait for some x-rays to come back. Nothing is broken."

"Oh that's good." Lorelai sighed, relieved that her daughter was ok.

"She has a slight concussion, which shouldn't pose much of a problem. It just needs to be carefully monitored for twenty four hours. She had 17 stitches total. Two on her left ring finger, 10 extending from her wrist to her elbow and 2 on her upper arm. The remaining 3 are on her head wound."

"So she's going to be okay, right?"

"Yeah. A bit of a headache and a massive hangover, the occasional soreness, but yeah, she should be just fine."

"So I can go and hug her and then scream at her?" The doctor smiled. He always wanted to stay and watch as mothers screamed at their children for their stupidity.

"Go for it." And with that he walked away. Lorelai stepped into the room and sighed. She walked up to Rory, unsure how to approach her.

"hey, babes. Did you enjoy being drunk?"

"Mom? I am so so sorry." Rory got up and hugged her mother tightly. Lorelai didn't understand Rory. One moment she didn't want to be hugged, the next moment she's instigating the hug. Lorelai hugged back though, not wanting to be pushed away.

"So you scared me, Hun. I felt like I was having a heart attack when I heard the crash." Rory's eyebrows moved together as she squinted her eyes. She didn't know how she felt about her mothers confession, or the upcoming lecture.

"I'm sorry. I love you." Lorelai could hardly continue with her lecture. The sound of her daughters voice was so pathetic. She felt needed. Like her daughter needed her again.

"Let's get you out here, and to bed. When you wake up you better wish you never got drunk."

"Okay. Hey, mom?" Lorelai turned to look at her as she was already on her way out of the room. "How'd you hurt your hand?" Lorelai continued to walk out the door. What Luke had said was seeping in. She couldn't forgive her daughter for it until she accepted that her daughter did it.

"Mom?" Rory stepped down from the table and wanted her mom with her by her side. But that clearly wasn't going to happen. "I'm sorry" She said again to the empty room. Sure she was in the room, but she felt empty. She slowly walked outside the room.

"Ready to go kiddo?" Rory couldn't help but notice that her mother was calling her anything but her name, babe, Hun, and now kiddo. It bugged her but she didn't know what to do. Her mother was treating her like a child and Rory didn't like that. She wasn't a child, she was nineteen almost twenty, so why was she relying on her mother to make her better?

Rory nodded her head and followed her mother to the waiting room where Luke was. He was staring at the ceiling and Rory remembered that he didn't like hospitals. She was going to thank him when she realized that he didn't need to be here, he was nobody to her except her mothers boyfriend.

Luke stood up when he saw Lorelai and Rory. He almost growled at Rory when he realized that it was a bad idea, right now. So he smiled. It was fake and about everybody in the hospital would have known. He noticed how Lorelai wasn't hugging Rory and how Rory lagged behind. Their relationship was off. And it felt weird. After years of seeing the two together he realized that nothing could come between them, but now, something had come between the mother and daughter and he hadn't a clue. And judging by the confused looks of the duo he guessed that they didn't know either.

Lorelai was thankful to see Luke. She wanted out of this hospital, out of this situation. She looked back at her daughter who was lagging behind, she assumed it was because of the pain.

"Hurry up, Kid. I might be able to get a couple more hours of sleep." Lorelai joked. But Rory was not amused. In fact, her daughter looked pissed.

"You have no right to be pissed, kid." She stressed the word kid. She saw Rory face flare up with anger at that, and Lorelai wanted to back off.

"Do you remember when I was four, and I had a bad dream about the boogeyman and you told me that he couldn't take me away because you'd just drag his ass out of the closet and beat him death before rescuing me?" Rory asked her mom. She controlled the tone of her voice, she was going to seriously piss her mother off soon.

Lorelai nodded, not knowing where this was going. Luke looked confused too. In fact everyone listening in on the conversation had no clue where that came from. They just saw a family, a very pissed off and confused family.

"Well, I'm not four, so stop calling me kid." Rory controlled herself from attacking more. She could continue with that particular story if she wanted to really hurt her mom. But she didn't, so she stopped there.

"When you act like a kid, you're treated like a kid" Luke filled in when he noticed Lorelai freeze. She didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry. Who are you?" Rory practically yelled at Luke. Lorelai looked between the two, confused.

"Ror.." Luke started thinking maybe she hit her head too hard and didn't remember him.

"You are not my father! All you are is my mom's fuck buddy!" Rory answered for him, screaming bloody murder.

"Hey, that's enough!" Lorelai found her voice and cut in.

"That's all you are, my mom's boyfriend, so don't around parenting me, Luke!" Rory continued ignoring her mother, which sadly was getting easier and easier.

"Rory, that's enough! I said that's enough. Look Luke is right, you are acting like child, so I am treating you like one. You don't want to be treated like one, then grow the fuck up." Lorelai seethed at her daughter, she felt like she was arguing with her mother.

"I am not a child, a child wouldn't…" Rory trailed off. Suddenly everything she worked hard to forget was coming back to her. She didn't the only thing she could. She followed her instincts and ran out the door, leaving destroyed relationships in her wake.

Hey, sorry this chapter isn't as good as the others, at least in my opinion. Think of this as more of a transitional chapter.


	4. Needing each other

I don't own Gilmore Girls.

Thank you for your reviews.

a/n: for those of you who have commented on Rory being out of character, it is because she is. Something happened and she just snapped. She doesn't mean most of what she says. And the whole her and Luke deal, they do like each other, there's just some conflict. I know that Luke thinks of himself as a father figure to Rory but I can't find any references to Rory looking to him as a father.

Without further ado…

"Shouldn't you go after her?" Luke asked Lorelai who stood motionless in the hospital just watching the doors of the emergency room swing back and forth.

"I know I should, shouldn't I? But what nerve she has? I'm just afraid that I'm never going to get _my_ Rory back." Lorelai confided to Luke. She felt like running after Rory, but then she felt so… She felt like such a little girl, she didn't want to be a mother right then.

"That story, I don't get it. It seemed like she wanted to say something else." Luke commented. He didn't know where he stood anymore. He clearly wasn't Rory's father biologically and otherwise, despite what he had thought. And it was obvious to him that Lorelai didn't want him to be her father.

"Yeah did I ever tell you…"

Flashback 1989- Lorelai is 20 almost 21 and Rory is just 4.

Lorelai turned over and faced her daughter who was wide awake and trying to control her sobs. She felt terrible that the little girl, _her_ little girl, felt like she had to hide her tears. But at the same time it annoyed her. Just once she wanted to sleep through the night without her daughter waking up.

"Lorelai, what's wrong?" She asked her daughter. Sure she had picked out a nickname ages ago but she for some reason that night she felt like calling her daughter Lorelai.

"I had a bad dweem, mommy." Lorelai quietly sighed. 'She just had to call me mommy, didn't she?" Lorelai thought. It was easy for her to pretend to be the older sister, the nanny or the babysitter. But now, now she had no choice she had to accept her fate as a mother.

"Oh? About what, baby?" She asked Rory. An outsider would have had no idea of the doubt inside the mother's head.

"The boogeyman. He took me way from you." The little girl was in hysterics and Lorelai guessed that was what her baby was saying.

"Now who told you about the boogeyman?" Lorelai asked. It was part of a stepping stone, she had to know everything about everything before she made it better, especially since her daughter was so inquisitive.

"You did. You sawd if I didn't eat my veggie tables the boogeyman'd take me way." Oh right, Lorelai forgot she had said that.

"Well you ate them, so it's nothing to worry about." Lorelai consoled in a very unemotional way. She hated the fact that she was acting like a kid and detaching herself from her own flesh and blood. But her twenty first birthday was approaching and she wanted to drink. It had been a birthday she was looking forward to for a long time, since she was a little kid. But Rory happened. She was feeling a little spiteful. Of course she realized it wasn't the little girls fault, she didn't ask to come into this world. Yet, she never thanked her either.

"But what if he come back?" The girl persisted and Lorelai grabbed her and placed Rory on top of her stomach.

"Well if he does that then I'll just have to open the closet and pull him out by the ear and kill him. Then I'd go and grab you and make everything all better. And then for a fun bonding moment we'll bury his scary body." Lorelai was rewarded with the sweet sound of her little girl's laughter. She too laughed.

When morning came Lorelai was so tired and today she had to work a double shift. She shook her daughter to wake up, but to no avail. How was it that her daughter could sleep through everything and she woke up because she felt someone staring at her. She turned around and faced Mia, who was always so bright faced and smiley at five in the morning.

"Want me to take her to breakfast?" Mia asked and Lorelai enthusiastically nodded her head. Anything to have a few moments to herself.

Mia picked the sleeping beauty up and headed out to the Inn while Lorelai took a shower. She placed the girl on a chair and shoved a menu in her face. The girl would wake up soon, right after she slumped off the chair onto the floor. In a matter of moments a thump was heard and those who were working at the Inn and that hour laughed.

"Mornin' Mia." The girl grumbled which got more laughs. Rory slouched into the chair, she hated being the center of attention.

"What do you want?" Mia asked her. Rory picked up the menu and attempted to read it. She could barely read. She was always asking her mom to teach her more, who would mumble something before concluding that she didn't have any time.

"Pancakes." Rory smiled. Mia looked on the menu and noticed that they weren't being offered that morning. They had a new breakfast chef who wanted to be artsy about the food. Mia had told her over and over again that people wanted simple breakfast food in the morning.

"Okay well let me see about that." Mia got up and walked into the kitchen, she turned at the last minute to make sure Rory wasn't following her. A kitchen was no place for a little girl, especially since this chef seemed to be a little klutzy. She was satisfied when she saw Rory sitting there staring off into space.

When Mia came back she handed Rory a plate of French toast and easy over eggs with country potatoes and sausage. It was the only thing she could get her chef to make that a little girl might like. Rory stared at it like it was poison.

"This is just French toast and you like French toast don't you." Mia said pointing to the slices of bread.

"I want pancakes." The girl started to move the food around with her fork. Mia sighed. It wasn't her place to make Rory eat and Lorelai had seemed to be in funk lately, so she figured the girl just wasn't going to eat breakfast that morning.

Lorelai walked into the kitchen with her hair in a towel. She kissed Rory's head before sitting down and laying her head on the table.

"Coffee?" Mia offered holding up the pot up to show her. Lorelai nodded her head which could be heard banging against the table instead of being seen. Mia poured her a cup which was downed almost immediately. Lorelai turned to Rory and noticed that her plate of food was uneaten, moved around and now looked absolutely disgusting, but not eaten.

"Didn't like it?" She asked.

"I want pancakes." Rory answered and Lorelai swore under her breath.

"Well just eat it, I am sure it's good."

"But now it's ugly." Rory justified and Lorelai rolled her eyes. She wanted to yell at Rory but she knew what being yelled at felt like. So she kept her mouth shut.

The chef came out to see how they liked her food. She was slightly thrown off when she saw the little girls plate not eaten but played with. She wouldn't allow this.

"Hi, did you not like this?" She asked the little girl in a gentle 'don't scare her and make her cry' voice. The girl shook her head.

"I want pancakes."

"But this is better for you. I can remake it for you." Rory was about to say something which Lorelai was sure was 'I want pancakes' so she looked up from her coffee and took charge.

"Just make her the damn pancakes!" She practically yelled and she saw the young chef scramble for a response before retreated to her safe haven, the kitchen. Mia looked up at Lorelai and immediately knew she had snapped.

"Rory why don't you go color in the other room." And like a good little girl Rory obeyed.

Mia looked over at Rory and was satisfied when she saw the little girl pull out a coloring book and started to flip through the pages before deciding which picture to color. Mia averted her attention to her youngest employee and studied her. Lorelai's fists were clenched and the young women looked like she hadn't slept in weeks.

"Lorelai, calm down, will you? That little girl hasn't done anything wrong. She doesn't know manners yet."

"Mia, I'm still a kid. I can't do everything all at once. I can't raise a four year and work my shifts as well as cover all the other maids shifts when their sick just because I need money. I have to sleep, I have to relax. Is that so much to ask." Lorelai complained and Mia just sat there studying her.

"You have the right to complain. You can say no to me and the other maids when it comes to overtime. But, you can't take it out on your daughter." Mia tried to explain to Lorelai. "You stopped being a kid four years ago." She added.

"Hey I am not taking this out on Rory. Believe me, I am not. I love her so much, you know. It's just sometimes I want to her to…not be here, you know?" Lorelai felt bad for saying it but it was the truth. Sometimes she just wanted to be twenty years old, going to college and dating Christopher or some other rich shmuck. She just sometimes wanted the life her parents had planned for her.

Lorelai buried her head on her hands and Mia just stared at her trying to come up with a solution to the situation her employee was in and to protect the little girl too. However she failed at the latter. She heard crayons hit the floor and the soft patter of little feet scurrying away. Mia looked past Lorelai and saw a picture and crayons on the floor, the little girl was no where in sight. Lorelai also turned her head, her face fell when she saw the mess but not her daughter. She cried out for her baby, all feeling of desperation gone as worry settled itself in.

"Rory? Rory?" She yelled as she jumped up from the table knocking her chair down. She bounded down the hall frantic and insane with worry. Mia joined in on the search for her precious porcelain daughter.

End Flashback.

"What happened?" Luke asked enthralled in the story.

"Well I obviously found her." Lorelai replied, smiling a little bit. That moment when she realized her baby was gone was when the permanent feeling of motherhood set in and she concluded that she never wanted that feeling to go away.

"Where'd she go?" He asked, hoping that nothing happened to Rory even though he knew that this story took place several years ago and obviously Rory had lived through the experience.

"Um I found her a couple hours later curled up in our bed in the tool shed. I don't know what it wasn't the first place I looked." Lorelai answered. She looked at Luke and he nodded his head. She had to go find Rory now. So she walked out of the hospital and searched the parking lot through the rain. Luckily the sun had come out so it was easy to find Rory slumped up against Luke's truck crying.

Lorelai walked slowly over to Rory and stood there looking down on her daughter. She was so disappointed and so mad at her that she thought it a miracle that she didn't just yell at her kid. In fact she put all that aside and realized that she just needed to be her mother and help her get through whatever crisis she was in.

"I don't want to talk to you." Rory stubbornly informed her mother who just looked at her.

"Cut the attitude Rory, I'm just trying to help. If you want to be an angry teenager then that's your prerogative. But I am your mother and it's my prerogative to worry about you and love you and want what's best for you. I think you need to talk Rory." Lorelai was surprisingly calm and Rory looked up at her mother and for a second the Gilmore girls lost sight of their situation and came to a conclusion.

Lorelai smiled, in that one second when she made eye contact with Rory she noticed that her daughter, the one she had grown to love, was still inside the hollow Rory shell.

"I'm nineteen and I'm an adult. I don't need your help." The moment was ruined. Lorelai frowned. Rory looked at the ground and rubbed her arm. They resumed their roles.

"Ror, please. Don't pull that crap. I know your age. I know you are nineteen. But why do you insist on doing this. I am your mother…"

"I know you're my mom. I just can't get into this." Rory's voice was small and quiet.

"Okay, Rory, if you don't want to talk _right now_, that's fine. If you don't want my help _now_, then fine. But sooner or later your going to need me and I'll be here waiting. But no more of this attitude. I don't like bad Rory."

There was silence between the two of them. Rory seemed to just accept what Lorelai said to her. Lorelai was just happy that her daughter was listening. Luke walked up behind them and Rory put her head down ashamed at what she had said. Lorelai turned around and smiled gently at her boyfriend. She wasn't entirely sure how much damage her daughter had caused between her and Luke.

"So what do you say I take you two home." He offered and Lorelai and nodded her head.

"Time to get up, big kid." Lorelai smiled at her daughter.

"Can you help me?" Rory offered out her hand. It was a small step, barely a step.

"Thought you didn't mommy's help." Lorelai grabbed her daughters hand and pulled her to her feet.

"I think I'm getting a fever. I must be delusional." Rory joked and although the rift between the two was still there they both realized they needed each other.

"Ok. I think you've had enough fun with destroying relationships."


	5. Bittersweet

I do not own Gilmore Girls.

Thanks for the reviews.

When Rory woke up her head was pounding. She turned around in the bed trying to discover her whereabouts. Unfortunately, she was so disoriented that she twisted her body in the tangled sheets and fell right off the bed. She landed with a thud. She rubbed her hand along the stitches on her left arm, trying to remember how she got them. When she finally did remember she grimaced. Her surroundings became much clearer, she was in her mothers room. Rory didn't want to be there, in that room, that house, the town, state, country when her mother discovered she was awake. She knew she was in for some yelling. Her behavior last night was inexcusable, this she would admit.

"You're up." It wasn't a question. Lorelai stood at the door she had been there since she heard the thud. And for some reason she got a kick out of watching clarity wash over her daughters face.

"Actually I'm down." Rory didn't know why she did that. She was starting a fight. Sure it would start out as a simple sarcasm battle but the underlying tensions would arise at the same rate as their voices.

"I can see that." Lorelai kept her distance. If drunk Rory was a horror she could only imagine what hung over Rory was like. But she wouldn't have to imagine anymore.

"You're not going to yell?" Rory asked, confused at her mothers dismissal of her comment.

"Oh I will, no worries. Mommy's going to scream. However mommy has some sympathy for you. After all, I've been hung over before." Lorelai responded.

"That's it? I thought you wouldn't care."

Lorelai frowned. She had been trying to figure out her daughter's drastic mood swings. She had been trying to explain to herself why her daughter was saying these things, after all Rory could never get away with lying, at least not with her. And when Rory was drunk the truth must have come out, maybe not delivered the most appropriate way.

"Is that what you think? That I don't care about you? That I'm leaving you for Luke? 'Cause that's not true." Lorelai asked her daughter. She hoped so much that Rory would say no. Lorelai felt horrible enough as it, what with thinking that Rory was an adult and it was time for her to live her own life and all.

"Honestly?" Rory paused, she bit her bottom lip and looked down at her lap. She looked back up with tears forming in her baby blue's. "I don't know what I'm thinking. Everything is just so confusing. It's like I can't even… I don't know."

The honesty in Rory's words struck gold. Lorelai felt sympathy for Rory. Anybody could relate to the raw confusion in Rory's words. Whether it was intentional or not is the question. Lorelai chose not to question if there was an ulterior motive concerning Rory's confession. She chose to pity the nineteen year old. However, Lorelai was very stubborn she wouldn't let Rory get away with what she did. Confused or not the girl needed to be straightened out, told that the sky was up and the ground down.

"Okay? Honey, I guess I can understand that. But what you did was wrong."

"I know." And as an after thought she added "I'm sorry."

Lorelai glared at Rory. Why the girl thought that apologizing could solve everything was beyond her. It was too naïve for her. Lorelai shook her head and turned to leave realizing that approaching the subject any more would lead to more deception from Rory. Rory would just say sorry until she was blue in the face and then would cry. There would be no head ways into solving the problem, it would just be two one sided arguments. Rory would assume Lorelai was mad at her and try to solve everything and Lorelai would try to convince Rory to confront why she was confused. They would be there all day.

"Mom? Why are you leaving?" Lorelai couldn't help but turn around and walk down the dark path Rory was leading her. The pathetic child like voice in her almost twenty year old daughter stabbed at her heart. What was making her daughter feel so little? She hoped to god it wasn't her.

"Rory, if I come in here I want you to talk to me. Tell me what is really wrong. I know and I think you know that this is not about the mugging." For some horrible reason beyond Lorelai's comprehension she felt amused when Rory's face became panic stricken and afraid. Although it was bittersweet. Something was bothering her baby girl that made her panic and too afraid to talk about. She almost didn't want to know. But she had to find out, it was the only way to help Rory. And helping Rory was what she lived for.

"I don't know." Rory answered. But it was a lie. It would have been the truth before she came to the realization in the hospital. What had happened was so horrible that Rory needed to block it out of her mind, forget it, go into denial about. But now she remembered and she wanted so bad to cry about it in her mother's arms as well as push everybody away. She didn't know what to do. It seemed that if she told her mother her previous actions would be understood and forgiven. As much as Rory wanted to avoid a fight and lecture and all other consequences her sensible conscience won out telling her she deserved whatever was coming her way. By not telling her mother she was forced to deal with it on her own and again her conscience told her that she couldn't do this alone. And then there was the fear that even her mother, her so understanding mother, wouldn't understand. So she sucked it up and lied, the best she could.

"I can't make you talk Rory. But don't lie to me." Finally the anger seeped out into her words. Lorelai felt comfortable with this emotion, although not with Rory. She was hardly ever mad at Rory.

"Fine, then I know. I just don't want to tell you." Lorelai's anger seemed to create the domino effect. Only thing was, Rory's anger wasn't justified.

"Don't you dare raise your voice with me young lady. You may be an adult but you are still my daughter, or did you think you could grow out of that like a pair of shoes? I haven't done anything wrong, Rory. I have tried so hard to help you through this, whatever the fuck this is. So don't you dare try to blame me, or push me away." Lorelai took a deep breath, feeling quite winded after all that screaming.

"I'm sorry." Rory whispered. An entire orchestra of violins screeching played in her head. She resisted the urge to cover her ears, rub her temples and retaliate.

"Damn it. Saying sorry isn't going to make things better. You got drunk, you drove, you pushed me" Lorelai held up her bandaged hand for Rory to see the extent of her destruction. "You crashed your car, which I have had to deal with all morning since someone was too disoriented and guilty to clean up her own mess. So whatever happened…You know I don't care anymore. You can deal however you want, but just get over it and come back when you're Rory again. Right now you have your wish. I am no longer your mother." Lorelai didn't regret the words, at the moment. She knew as she said them at a later date she would regret them immensely.

"I'm going to work. I expect you to be gone when I come back." And with that Lorelai stormed out of the room, furiously slammed the door, and stomped extra loud going down the stairs. Tears invaded her eyes as her daughter's devastated face flashed in her mind. Devastated but proud. Rory refused to cry, to let her mother know how much those words hurt. But it was obvious.

"_I am no longer your mother_" Those words would even destroy achild that had a horrible relationship with their parent. Lorelai could imagine how she would feel like nothing, like millions of pieces of broken porcelain, abandoned and small if her mother had said that to her. She couldn't imagine the pain Rory was in right now.

Although the words stung leaving her mouth and left a nauseating aftertaste in her mouth once she processed them. And as much as she wanted to climb back up those stairs and admit defeat she was just too proud and stubborn. So she left the house and hoped that Rory still regained some common sense and stayed right where she was.

"_I am no longer your mother." _

_"I am no longer your mother_." It seemed that no matter how many times she processed the words they still meant the same thing. Lorelai was not her mother anymore. There was nothing to read into. The words on their own were so simple so it didn't surprise Rory that the phrase was just as simple as the individual words.

Rory didn't know what to do. Part of her wanted to stay and explain to Lorelai when she came home that she would always be her mother biologically. But the thought didn't soothe her. It seemed to the younger Gilmore girl that the emotional bond between mother and daughter could be broken just as a ribbon with scissors. So she went downstairs and grabbed her purse. She wanted to call Paris to pick her up but she could predict how that would go.

"Why aren't you driving? Where is your car? Why isn't Lorelai taking you home?" Paris would ask as well as lecture her on early morning wake up calls. Then she would be forced to explain her injuries which would probably leave her walking along side the freeway.

So she opted to take the bus. She had a few bucks to spare and she would have time to think on the bus. Rory didn't want to think, though. So she went into her room and resisted the sudden impulse of anger telling her to destroy the pristine looking room. She found a good long book and grabbed it. She left the crap shack remembering nothing except the six little words that made not looking back okay: "_I am no longer your mother."_

As she was walking to the bus stop anybody in Stars Hollow could see her. They all knew she had been in an accident but the details of it were either hush -hush or unknown. Most assumed it to be the latter. Among the many eyes watching her was one dreadfully sorry woman drinking coffee in Luke's diner.

Nobody knew how to fix this. It was a problem bigger than the town. Lorelai was feeling depressed and Rory was feeling unloved. Both of their stubborn pride prohibited them from making up.

It was bittersweet.


	6. Like a plague

I do not own Gilmore Girls.

Thanks for the Reviews.

The bus went too slow for Rory Gilmore. All she wanted was to forget the pain her mothers words caused her. The book she brought didn't help. It was long and complicated. Rory just needed to zone out, focus on the vibrations of the bus on the road. Anything to help numb this pain she's been in. Apparently knowing the cause of the pain didn't help, she'd settle for confusion any time now.

She watched as the bus drove past Chilton. She wished she was still protected within those walls. Everything was so much more simpler then. Everything was so much more simpler before sex came into the picture. She could remember blushing at Tristan's innuendos and found herself wishing was still a Mary. Sex seemed to have given her life, only to have it taken away.

It was true Rory felt dead inside. She placed her hand on her abdomen trying in vain to stop the emptiness that was rooted inside. Her stomach growled and grumbled. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd eaten. It had probably been a few days, since her mother had left her at Yale. The thought of never eating again occurred to her. But that was blasphemy. A Gilmore always ate. She wasn't about to break tradition. She opened up her wallet to check if she had any money for lunch only to find the same six dollars that caused all this. She wanted to fling the dollar bills out the window and let someone who needed it have it. But, as selfish as it seemed, Rory needed it too. She needed to eat. So she pressed the stop button and got off. There was McDonalds around here, she thought. Now all she had to do was find it without further losing herself.

On the other side of the fight was Lorelai, who was a wreck. She had watched her daughter step on a bus to go back to Yale, at least Lorelai hoped it was Yale. She wanted to call Rory's cell phone and tell her to come home. But two thoughts interrupted her. One Rory didn't have a cell phone because she hadn't gotten it replaced. Two, she didn't know if Rory would consider the crap shack home after their disagreement. She had hoped that Rory would be a grown up, a stubborn grown up who wouldn't put up with the childish antics of her mother.

"More coffee?" Luke interrupted her. She brushed away the tears she didn't know were falling but wasn't surprised to find them.

"No. Yes. I guess." Lorelai's indecision about coffee worried Luke. Plus the tears made him a little suspicious.

"Whatever she said Lore, she didn't mean." His wise words were well intentioned but didn't help the situation.

"They aren't her words that hurt so much." Luke looked at her confused. He was always slow at putting two and two together. His train of thought was not as fast as hers so there was always a bit of a barrier between them. Of course he tried to break the barrier with a sledge hammer but it seemed to only get worse. So he usually didn't even try to communicate with her when she said things he didn't understand. But right now, standing in front of his crying girlfriend he realized he had to. So he acted stupid, but to him it wasn't an act.

"Who's words?" He asked.

"Mine." He wasn't expecting that. Nobody was. What could Lorelai say that would make her cry.

"I told her I wasn't her mother anymore, until she got over this and returned to normal. I told her to leave and she did. I'm a horrible mother, how could I possibly classify myself as a good mother when I was kid when I raised her. I never grew up. And when she needs me to be her mom and solely her mom I fuck it up."

The diner gasped at her words. Lorelai swore. But more than that she broke the bond between her and her daughter, something that the town had thought impossible. It did make sense in a way, that the only persons who could come between them would be the two of them.

"Lorelai, Rory is a big girl. She knows you didn't mean it." Luke tried to comfort her. But he wanted to yell at her, saying that she was stupid to say that. His fatherly instincts trying to take over. He just had to remind himself that he wasn't Rory's father and it wasn't hard to keep his mouth shut, especially if he ever wanted to become her step father.

"I did though, at that moment I did." Lorelai was losing her silent battle of staying strong. She now knew how Rory could act so little and pathetic. She feared the consequences of her actions but more than that she feared the pain she had caused Rory. She buried her head in her hands and cried openly in front of the diner full of the town.

Rory had just returned to her dorm room. She opened the door and saw an angry Paris sitting on the couch. Angry Paris was nothing new, she had had plenty of years dealing with angry Paris. Just this angry Paris also sported a hint of worry which scared Rory. If Paris was angry for having to worry about her then she was in deep trouble, not because of the lecture or the yelling but because lately she hasn't been able to control what she says. She could hurt Paris and that frightened her. She knew it was only a matter of time until she had no one to turn to.

"So where did you go last night, with a bottle of tequila?" Paris's voice was surprisingly calm. It wouldn't last long.

"Oh um, I went to see my mom." Rory put her left hand on her head covering her stitches but was unaware that her sleeve slid down to her elbow exposing the brunt of her wounds. Paris took a sharp inhale of air.

"Did you make it there?" Rory nodded her head.

"I'm going to take a shower." Rory started to walk towards the bathroom. Paris was on her feet in seconds and blocking Rory's path to the shower.

"Did you drink and drive?" Paris yelled. Rory thought the only solution was to lie.

"I drove and drank, Paris." She neglected to add _'then I drove into a phone poll with my now ex-mother watching, who I preceded to verbally abuse after I had physically abused her.' _

"I don't believe you. You of all people, the poster child for perfect drove drunk…"

"Paris I am not perfect, not even close. So don't. Right now I am in a bad place and I have successfully destroyed important relationships so back off now, before I say something you don't want to hear."

"Fine, you're not perfect. But don't threaten me, I don't care what you could say. There just words."

"You of all people should know the power of words, considering you've used so many against me in the past."

"Rory if you want to do it this way, then give me your best shot."

"Paris.." Rory tried to convince Paris that this was stupid. And it was. They weren't arguing over what they should be. Paris let go of the drunk driving and wanted to see if Rory could actually hurt someone. And Rory, she just wanted to take a shower and would do anything to do just that.

"Chicken, Gilmore?" Paris taunted and Rory seemed to draw strength from it.

"Paris you're so mean that people befriend you out of fear and then you take them for granted and treat them dirt. Do you ever wonder why I am your only friend? The only reason I've stuck around for so much is because I pity you. I tell myself that it's not your fault, that you were raised in a crappy atmosphere, but no, you chose to be mean and alone and eventually you will find yourself all alone." Rory's words were harsh and hurt Paris but Paris refused to say so. She wouldn't admit that what Rory said was true. So she shook her head and laughed before walking into her room. If Rory was on self destruct then who was she to get in the way.

Rory watched Paris walk into her room. She hurt yet another person she cared about. But maybe, just maybe things would be easier if she was all alone. Rory sat down on the couch and started to watch TV. Nothing was on, just some annoying Disney channel movie or a rerun of Rugrats. She just zoned, paid attention to the cartoon babies explore and took the simple plots and cheesy morals. But she couldn't help but hate the cartoon, because no matter how hard the situation got Tommy could always run to his mom. And well, Rory didn't need to remind herself of this but in all her self deprecation glory she did, she reminded herself that she had no mother.

It was sad really. That feeling of loneliness, you can never get enough of it, you never wanted it before. Loneliness seeped it's way into Rory's life like a plague and left her craving more. Nobody could really understand why the disease did that. It was most hated when there was no cure for it, but when the cure is as simple as an apology the patient wants to be alone. Rory was in quite a bind. She didn't want to be alone, but she didn't want people around her more. So she sat on the couch letting depression take over her life.

Rory wandered if getting high was the answer. Ignoring the problem caused a bigger problem, drinking caused more problems. Turning to drugs, she was sure, would also lead to a problem bigger than she can handle. She'd worry about it later, right now she didn't know how to get the drugs. The idea slipped her mind. She wanted coffee. She'd drink so much caffeine so she wouldn't be able to sleep for a week.

Sleep deprecation would make everything better, momentarily. The consequences could be avoided for as long as possible.

Rory got off the couch. She dragged her feet to the door. Lethargically opened the door. Lazily closed the door after she stumbled out of the dorm. She was so tired and she didn't even know it. The walk to the creepy coffee shop seemed to take forever, it was dark when she arrived. Her arm ached and her head throbbed. Who was the idiot who crashed into a telephone pole while she was drunk? She had to remind herself that she deserved the pain. She even started to tell herself that she deserved to be punched in the face by the mugger. Seriously, she was the one standing there all innocent and 'here take my purse.' He was actually being kind to her so she could tell her friends and family that she fought like hell.

Rory didn't fight hard enough. She never did. She never will. Because all she wanted to do right now was curl up into a tiny ball on the floor and die. Much as she did in the Yale Wellness center that fateful day. She just couldn't handle the pain anymore, then and now.

She slipped, literally and figuratively. She wasn't looking where she was going so it was no wonder she fell on her face. It was a classic moment: the pride wounded women walking tall with her head up high make believing she's living a Mary Tyler Moore moment and then tripping over a bump in the sidewalk. She crumpled to the ground and cried for what felt like the millionth time that week to her tired, red and puffy eyes. She hated her life.

She eventually pulled her body off the sidewalk and strolled into the café. She looked like a broken girl to the nosy customers who turned to see who entered the coffee house, they weren't far off from the truth. She sat down at the counter and the same creepy women came up to her.

"He done it to you, 'gain?" She asked but Rory got the feeling that is was more of a statement.

"No, I did this myself."

"It ain't your fault, missy. You can't keep a'telling 'self that. He done it to you, no ut'her way to spin it, miss." The women told her. Rory wanted to deny the fact that she was in an abusive relationship but she was… with herself at least that's what she told herself.

"Coffee little lady?" The women asked her.

"Can you make that Irish?" Rory asked in desperate need to drink.

"It ain't soothe the reality. You let 'im do this an' drink it 'way. Bad idea." The women seemed to an endless amount of wisdom that to some would actually be helpful, to Rory it was nonsense.

"But I hear ya." The women walked into the back room and came out with a bottle of whiskey which she poured into a coffee mug. It was about ¾ whiskey ¼ coffee. Rory took a sip and cringed. She still couldn't stand the taste of most alcohol.

The woman walked around the counter and put her leg on the stool. She pulled down her leggings so Rory could clearly see a huge scar that extended from the shin to the leg. Rory gasped as it was the only appropriate thing to do.

"My hubby did this six summers ago. It took me five to know it whattent my fault." The woman fixed her leggings before walking away.

"I swearded he killed me years ago." The woman whispered when she walked by. Rory wasn't sure if she heard it or not.

"I don't want to kill myself" Rory announced to anyone who was listening. "I think." She added. What more could she possibly lose?


	7. prelude to destruction

I do not own Gilmore Girls.

Thank you for all the reviews, keep it up.

A couple of miserable weeks went by for the Gilmore Girls. Their past words to each other were left standing, untouched, unfixed. Rory kept going to the little coffee shop with the crazy woman who scared her. Lorelai continued with her routine feeling deflated and incomplete. The Friday night dinners were tense. Emily and Richard went about normal ignoring the blatantly obvious rift between the once inseparable duo. Nothing was normal anymore. Except how Paris reverted back to her high school attitude towards Rory.

Underneath the surface was a volcano waiting to erupt and destroy everything. Lorelai, although she hadn't had any contact with Rory except for the cold shoulder during the last few dinners, was afraid that she could never get Rory back. Paris feared that the only life the volcano would claim would be Rory. Emily and Richard were clueless but all the same noticed a destructive attitude in Rory.

"Rory you've hardly eaten anything." Emily nagged at the latest dinner.

"And? What's your point?" Rory remarked in a low serious tone. Lorelai looked up to say something but changed her mind. Rory was past listening to her, or anyone for that matter.

"Rory you are getting so thin." Richard had piped in to help encourage her to eat more.

"It's my body." The same tone rang in the grandparents and Lorelai's ears.

"I'm done. With this. With all of this." Nobody said anything. Rory stood up.

"No more Friday night dinners." And with that Rory walked out of their lives. Emily shot an accusing look at Lorelai but it softened upon glancing at her daughter's depressed expression.

"How long has this been going on? This fight between the two of you?" Emily asked looking for answers. Lorelai just started to cry and for the first time Emily consoled her determined, stubborn and strong daughter. Emily and Richard had never been so confused.

And now, nothing had changed.

Rory walked into her dorm room drunk. It was a common occurrence of Rory showing up drunk. It was also common that she was accompanied by some equally drunk guy. Rory and her 'friend' wouldn't be sleeping. Rory rarely slept, she rarely felt safe enough to do so. So instead she would have wild animal sex all night long, or for as long as the guy could keep up. It was an added benefit that she was keeping Paris up at night too.

"You're pretty" The black haired man slurred after round one. He was tired and finished. He rolled off from on top of her, threw the condom on the floor of her room and closed his eyes.

Rory growled at him like a tiger hoping to get him aroused again. She turned on top of him, she didn't mind doing all the work as long as she could lose herself for a few seconds in an orgasm.

"Princess, I'm tired let me sleep." He tried to push her away but she resisted and shifted her position so she was straddling him. His eyes opened up and suddenly he was a willing participant.

"You should have known that I consider sex an Olympic sport." She whispered to him as she tore open the condom package. She gently put it on him. "You haven't even medalled" She whispered.

The black hair man rolled her over and started to take control. He didn't care how long he was at this, but when he finished he would have the gold. And thus Rory Gilmore had gotten her way.

Morning had come way too fastfor the black haired boy, who had only gotten a few hours of sleep. The pounding in his head didn't help any either. He looked down at Rory who after sex had scooted her bodyfar away from him. She was pretty, sure, pretty fucked up. But he wasn't exactly complaining that he found a girl that would rather stay up all night having sex than cuddling.

He nudged her awake. She grumbled something about coffee, before becoming dead again. He grabbed his boxers and slipped them on before wandering outside her room to see the rest of her apartment. He noticed a nice little living room and a small kitchen. He also noticed the roommate who had blonde hair and looked surprised to see him.

"You're supposed to be gone now." Paris bluntly stated. The man looked at her like she was crazy. He wasn't going to be a one night stand with the sex trainer.

"Is there any coffee? She wants some." He didn't know her name and he was sure it was the same way around.

"That's not new. But you better leave."

"Why?"

"Because Rory doesn't like seeing her dates when she's sober." Paris plainly told him. The door to Rory's room opened and an exhausted and slightly naked Rory stepped out. She looked like hell.

"What is he doing here?" Rory complained with a raspy voice. All that screaming last night caused her to lose her voice.

"He doesn't want to be a one night stand." Paris walked out of the kitchen and turned on C-SPAN.

Rory looked at her date from last night. He was handsome in a goofy kind of way. She would have gone out with him, had she still been herself. He had black hair that was short. It was like a Jess cut except a little longer and messy. Of course the messy could just be bed hair. He had good build and was tan. She loved his boxers, which were a grayish dark blue with polar bears on it. Yes. She would have gone out with him.

"I'm sorry, what's your name?" Rory asked, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She hated that she was being polite. She was just going to screw him, no pun intended since she already had.

"Doug" He responded.

"What? You don't even know his name?" Paris shouted at the same time Doug answered. "Did you even wear a condom?"

"Yes. I don't want to get pregnant again." Rory answered. As soon as she realized what she said she quickly brought her hand to her mouth. Doug disappeared. Paris gasped and stood up pointing her accusatory finger at Rory.

"Like mother, Like daughter." Paris sang to her knowing it would piss Rory off. Sure the subject was serious and grave but Paris always sought revenge.

"Shut up Paris" Rory attempted to yell, but her lack of voice restricted her from doing so.

"Like mother, Like daughter." Paris continued.

"I am nothing like my mother." Rory seethed. Even with her raspy voice a complete idiot could catch the vehement in her tone. It would stop crickets and traffic and barn animal sounds if she were a cartoon. But all it did was stop Paris from singing.

Paris was stunned. Rory never spoke with that much emotion. She'd never heard Rory speak badly about her mother once in all the time she knew her. It was then that Paris realized this was it. 'It' being the factor that set Rory off. This pregnancy or lack of pregnancy is what drove Rory to lose herself. Paris didn't know if she should be the comforting friend she's read about in magazines or the condescending roommate that she already was.

"I can't believe you got an abortion." Paris got all in her face, making it clear that she was looking down on her. "I mean after your conception." Pause for dramatic effect. "I mean you wouldn't even exist if you mother had listened to the Haydens."

Rory wanted to cry. Rory wanted to run away. Rory wanted to slap Paris. Rory wanted to call her mother and ask why her mother didn't listen to the Haydens. Rory reminded herself that she had no mother. Rory for the first time made up her mind on an issue that she's been pondering since the incident. Rory wanted to die.

"God you are such a hypocrite. You get pregnant and terminate it. What if your mother did that?"

Rory wanted to stick up for herself. Rory wanted to say it was all a lie. Rory wanted to turn back time. Rory wanted to lose herself. Rory wanted her mother. Rory wanted her baby. Rory wanted Logan. Rory wanted to die.

"I just can't believe you would actually do that. You should know better. I can't believe you were stupid enough to get pregnant in the first place."

Rory wanted to stop listening to Paris. Rory wanted to tell Paris that she was pro-choice. Rory wanted to crawl back into bed. Rory wanted to eat a tub of ice cream. Rory wanted to wallow with her mother. Rory wanted Luke's coffee. Rory wanted to be a virgin again. Rory wanted to be sixteen again. Rory wanted to die.

"Geeze. What would your mother think? Perfect little Rory getting pregnant and going about the wrong way to fix the problem."

Rory wanted to tell Paris that she wasn't perfect. Rory didn't want to be perfect. She didn't want to be considered perfect. Rory wanted to be alone. Rory wanted a drink. Rory wanted lot's of drinks. Rory wanted her voice back. Rory wanted to be able to sleep through the night. Rory didn't want to have nightmares anymore. Rory wanted to die.

"Did you tell Logan? Or did you think he didn't have a right to know he was going to be a dad? Or is it not his?"

Rory wanted to die. She couldn't handle this anymore. She needed to leave. She didn't care where she went. She just had to go. So she did. Just like that she walked out of the dorm. It amazed her how simple that task was.

Paris sat down on the couch and cried. She couldn't believe she actually did that. She didn't even have the heart to stop the massacre when she saw tears make their way down Rory's face. She hated herself for not shutting up, for accusing Rory when she didn't know the truth, for not stopping Rory from leaving, and for not going after her.

I think only one or two more chapters. I hope you have caught some clues along the way leading up to this. It's not as obvious as it might seem.


	8. Making the pain go away

Once again I do not own Gilmore Girls.

Thank you all for the reviews, they encourage me to write more.

Rory was blind to the strange looks the Yalies were giving her. She was their hero and she was furiously wandering the campus with tears dripping down her cheeks and welling in her blue eyes. They felt nothing but sympathy for her, some having actually noticed her decline since her heroic moment late that one night. Nobody cared, though. At least not enough to stop what they were doing and ask what was wrong. They were all rich, self centered students who had better things to do that day. They didn't know she was planning on killing herself. It probably wouldn't matter if they did know. The pretty little girl that sits in the front of the classroom who enthusiastically asks and answers questions wasn't worth the one second it would take to say 'hello.' The pretty little blue eyed and dark haired girl wouldn't be sitting in the front of the classroom tomorrow and they wouldn't even notice until a councilor came in to inform them of the death of their classmate.

It would be painful for those that had actually taken a moment of their time to get to know Rory. It would be devastating to those that were her friends. It would be unbearable to her family. It would be a tragic event to those who didn't know her. They would recognize the pain of others briefly before discussing which party to go to. It was a tragedy that people didn't care.

But Rory was blind to all this. She didn't think about the consequences. She didn't envision the pain others would endure. She didn't care about anything right then. She couldn't see past her own pain. It wasn't the mugging, or the almost mugging. Although Rory had to admit it made for a good cover the first couple of days. Concentrating on her broken nose was easier then admitting the she lost something valuable to her.

She lost her baby, the baby she didn't know she was carrying. Mistakes happen, everybody learns from them. She had been so safe though, she couldn't get her mind around that. She was on birth control and Logan used a condom every time. She didn't understand how she had gotten so unlucky. So she was angry. She wasn't angry at the mugger as everybody thought, she was angry at herself.

Then she accepted that she had gotten pregnant. Her mother would support her, no doubt. Logan seemed classy enough that he'd at least pay child support. Paris would, well be Paris, then hopefully understand. Her grandparents, well her grandparents would have horrible flashbacks and be pissed off for quite a while. Probably until her mother talked some sense into them.

But then she wasn't pregnant anymore. She had collapsed in the Wellness center the night of the mugging. Blood had poured out from in between her legs. The pain was unbearable. And she was so confused, she didn't understand what was going on. She had screamed out in pain. She had cried. She was called out for her mommy to make it better. She didn't know she was supposed to be a mommy. It was why she had been so adamant about pushing her mom away.

The doctors at the wellness center had placed her on a gurney. They had quickly sedated her. She was fading and had asked in hoarse voice what was happening to her. No doctor or nurse could ignore the fear in her tone. But they were used to it, patients always got scared when they didn't know what was happening. The had taken pity on her and answered.

"You having a miscarriage." It repeated in Rory's head until she woke up later that night. The had told her again, they had told her there was nothing they could do. They had informed her that the stress from the mugging was just too much for the three week fetus. And so, Rory did the only thing that made sense to her. She had yelled. She had screamed. She had fought like hell to go home that night. She had slapped the nurse who offered to call her mom. She had raised hell on the small establishment. They had no choice but to release her. And in Rory's opinion they had the nerve to give her the number of a therapist. The number was conveniently lost in a trash can on the walk to her dorm.

It was no wonder she hated her purse. She lost a hell of lot more then she bargained for. And then people had the nerve to congratulate her. She was supposed to be congratulated for being pregnant, not miscarrying. She was enraged. And then her mother called reminding her of what she was supposed to be. It didn't help that Lorelai was so cheery too. When Lorelai came to her room to talk Rory was once again reminded of what could have been. So she backed away from her mother's attempt to hug her, twice. The third time Lorelai had won, she had gotten her hug and Rory couldn't help it anymore. She was a kid, she was too young to get pregnant. She had dreams she told herself, her mother wouldn't understand she reasoned. Anything to make the pain go away.

It was pretty self explanatory why Logan got pushed away so quickly. He did this to her. He knocked her up only so she could lose the baby. He built her up. She wanted that damn baby. But it was too late. Her want came after the knowledge and it was too late because the baby was gone. So she broke up with him in front of the newsroom. Only later did she pity him. He lost it (the baby forever being an it as no sex was classified) too. He was going to be a father. She wanted to tell him. But instead she protected him. He didn't need to hype himself up about something that was ever going to happen. But she still pushed him away. Anything to make the pain go away.

The pain was so numbing, though. She couldn't live. She just couldn't. So she created a shell. Her very own Rory shell that didn't let a damn soul near her. A shell that protected her from everything. A shell that failed to protect her from herself. Hence the drinking, the whorish moment in the quickie- mart, driving drunk, pushing her mother to the ground, destroying relationships, one night stands, believing the crazy lady in the coffee shop, and alienating herself from everyone who cared enough to say hi.

It wouldn't be wrong to assume that even if someone on the campus had stopped to asked 'what's wrong' that Rory would just keep walking. She was determined to make the pain go away.

Eventually Rory walked into the coffee house. The crazy lady poured a cup of coffee for her and sat down at the table with Rory.

"He done it 'gain?" Old lady asked.

"No, but I'm not going to let him have the chance to do it again. I'm going to end it, Char." Rory told her as she sipped the coffee. It would be her last coffee. It was a sad thought. But since she was going to hell she was sure there would be coffee since it was the devil's drink.

"Lucky 'ou. I try ending it once. Billy boy came a back. I saw it flash, know my life, 'fore my eyes. Let me tell ya, it scary." Rory nodded her head.

"No I mean… This is my last coffee ever, kind of ending it." Charlotte looked shocked, but eventually looked down. She liked it when Rory came in, since Rory actually listened. She knew the game was up. She wasn't a crazy woman, it was just an act. She liked the idea of people feeling safe and understood in her café. She liked her regulars who came partly for entertainment, partly for the good coffee, and partly because nobody is afraid to tell an old senile woman what was wrong. Maybe she had taken it too far. Maybe she was crazy, taking pleasure out of frightening the Yale students.

"Ah." She said. This was going to be hard, talking someone out of suicide. "Rory, are you sure that's what you want to do?" She asked. Rory looked up at her surprised by the correct grammar.

"This is a game. Tormenting people. It's all a game. I come to you, I tell you things, and this is just a game. You're just messing me." Rory cried. She was deceived. She had deceived herself so much that she was tired of deception. "I can't believe this, you. I trusted you."

"Rory, I'll get to that. But first suicide…" Rory cut her off.

"You're really going to try and talk me out of it. Why should I believe a woman who tells people she was in an abusive relationship?" Rory stood up accusing her. She pulled out a few bucks. "I can't believe this. Like I'm going to listen to a woman who isn't truthful about her identity." Rory stormed out of the café and marched back to her dorm. Paris had some pretty strong sedatives and Rory intended to take all of them.

Her sudden anger at Charlotte subsided. She was really going to do this. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't afraid. Branford was in view when a man walked up to her. She had enough drama. But there was Marty casting a shadow the shape of his body on her already gloomy day.

"Rory? My God. What is wrong?" His voice was so full of concern that Rory wanted to puke. The one thing she hated about Marty was that he was so horrible at making her feel better. She didn't like concern, or pity. She didn't like it when people cared and Marty always cared.

"Just a bad day, Marty. It'll be over soon." Honesty. At least she was being honest.

"More like a bad month, Rory. I hardly see you and when you do you're miserable."

"Thanks, Marty. You know just what to say to cheer a girl up." She made a move past him. He stopped her by grabbing her arm.

"Hey." He stopped until he got he got her attention and eye contact. "I love you." Rory wrinkled her eyebrows, baffled by his sudden growth of balls to declare such a vile act. "You know,… 'cause sometimes… You need to hear it." He held contact for a second before letting go of her arm. He walked past her, never looking back.

Rory was stoic. She was a statue. People had to walk around her. Those that nudged her couldn't even get her to blink. And then she burst out into fresh tears. Rory had to admit that Marty was making this difficult. It wasn't so much his declaration of love that had her second guessing suicide. It simply got her to think about others who she loved and probably still loved her.

She imagined her mother at her funeral. Lorelai would be dressed in a black suit because she still had to be fashionable. She wouldn't wear a grieving widows hat with the black veil, that was definitely her grandmother. Her mother would have put makeup on, and not the waterproof stuff. Her loved ones would be sitting on the cemetery lawn in chairs. Her casket would be marched by. Luke, her grandfather, Jackson, Kirk, Andrew and Michel would be carrying her casket. Luke would be blubbering. Her grandfather would be stoic only to break down later. Taylor and the rest would look sad.

Her father would be sitting next to her mother. They would be holding hands, trying the best they could to comfort each other. Luke would take a seat behind her mother and start squeezing her shoulders offering support. Lane and her band would play some sad funeral song out of respect. Sookie would sit next to Luke crying loudly. Logan and his posse would sneak into the back. He would be drunk and crying. Paris would try to hold it together, only to fail afterwards. Dean would look heartbroken. Jess would be there, mostly confused a little sad. Babbette would be crying next to Miss Patty, who was also crying. Morey would look much like her grandpa, unable to take it. Taylor would try to keep everybody orderly. Marty would regret not stopping her, as he was the last person to speak to her. Many others would pay their respect.

"I just don't understand." Christopher would ask Lorelai.

"I should have known" Lorelai would sob into her pile of used tissue.

The reverend would start his speech. The band would start playing only to have the drums disappear after a few bars as Lane would be too devastated to continue playing. It would be a sad day for Stars Hollow.

Rory came out of her reverie and headed to her dorm. She lied to herself that her mother who wasn't her mother anymore wouldn't care. Her relationship with her father was hell anyway. She blew off Lane too many times to count this past month. She pissed off Paris. She threw salt into Luke's wounds. She ignored her grandparents. She broke up with Logan. She didn't love Marty back. Dean broke up with her, three times. Jess left her. She didn't care about the town anymore and made that clear. Nobody cared. Why should they care. After all that one month was enough to erase the past.

Rory waltzed into her dorm. Snooped in Paris's medicine cabinet until she found what she was looking for. She glided to the kitchen and poured herself some water. She struggled with the baby lock on the pills until they came flying out in all directions. She didn't pick them up, there was still enough in the bottle to end her pain. She dumped the remaining pills into her hand. She tilted her head back, threw the pills at the back of her throat and the door opened.

There stood Paris, peeved that her class was cancelled. She looked at Rory who was mimicking a deer caught in headlights look. And Rory was holding a prescription bottle and glass of water. Paris, being the brainy that she was, put two and two together.

"Rory Stop!" She shouted and in record speed was behind Rory smacking her. The glass of water fell and smashed on the tile. The pill bottle fell from Rory's grasp. Paris smacked her again until the pills that were in Rory's mouth fell to the ground as well. And then just because she was Paris and mad and felt like it, she smacked Rory again.

"What the fuck were you doing?" Paris screamed at her. Rory pushed Paris away.

"No, you don't. You've pushed too many people away." Paris paused. "Why would you do this? What about your mom, don't you know she'd die too?"

"What mom?" Rory was hysterical by now. "I don't have a mom. She said so." Rory was so hysterical that Paris could hardly make it out, and when she did she didn't believe it.

"Who cares what she said Rory. She loves you."

"No, she doesn't."

Paris led Rory to the couch and hugged her, just letting her cry it out. She knew she had to call Lorelai, but she wanted to make sure Rory was stable. So she let her friend, her only friend cry on her shoulder. She felt horrible about what she said earlier. She didn't know her words would drive Rory to suicide.

Paris didn't know that her words weren't taken into consideration when Rory decided to end her life. She was just blaming herself for nothing. All Rory wanted was to make the pain go away, she didn't know it would be more painful.

When Rory's sobs subsided. Paris took out her cell phone from her pocket.

"Rory I am going to call you mom." She told her softly.

"No. She said." Rory cried again. She repeated the mantra over and over again.

"Ror, I have to. She needs to come."

"She won't." The mantra changed. Paris stood up and let Rory sprawl out on the couch. She stepped into the kitchen and looked at the mess. She ignore the temptation to start cleaning it and slid down to the floor. She could barely hear Rory over there. She flipped her cell phone open and scrolled until she found LORELAI in her phone book. She pressed send.

"Hello." Lorelai answered on the first ring. She obviously hadn't had time to read the caller ID. She also sounded perky.

"Lorelai, It's Paris. You need to come to Yale."

"Does Rory want me there?" Lorelai asked skeptically.

"No."

"Oh. Then why do I need to go?"

"You didn't let me finish. Rory just stuffed half a bottle of tranqulizers into her mouth and had I not come in she'd have swallowed. So, she needs you here." Paris ranted into the phone. She heard a crashing before dial tone. 'Well that sure is reassuring' Paris thought.

On the other end of the phone when Lorelai had heard that Rory tried to kill herself she panicked. She dropped the phone. Then flipped it closed as she sprinted for her car. She saw the worried glances of Michel and Sookie but ignored them. She had to make sure Rory was alright.

She was sitting in her car, stuck in traffic. She hated this. Her daughter needed her and she was stuck in traffic. So she did something illegal. She drove on the shoulder of the freeway which is reserved for ambulances, fire trucks and police cars. So it was no surprise when a cop pulled her over.

"You do know that driving on the shoulder is illegal and dangerous?" The hick cop smiled at her.

"Listen my daughter goes to Yale and I just got a call from her roommate saying she just tried to kill herself. I have to get there." Lorelai frantically explained.

"That's your excuse."

"No, I know what I did was illegal. So just be quick about the ticket okay. And it's not going to stop me from doing it again."

The cop proceeded to write her a ticket. When he was done she took off again, speeding down the shoulder of the road to New Haven. The cop didn't pull her over again having taken pity on her. So when Lorelai parked in the red next to Branford building it was safe to say she didn't care about the law. She practically flew into the building and knocked woodpecker fast on the door. Paris opened it looking relieved. Lorelai just rushed past her and straight to her daughter, her little girl.

She hugged Rory and for the first time started crying.

"Shhh. Mommy's here." Lorelai repeated. It was a simple phrase that she had told Rory every time she had a bad dream.

"But, you said. You said." Rory croaked out.

"I was wrong baby. I was stupid and wrong." Lorelai told her. Her pride could gladly be hurt and damaged as long as her baby was okay.

"Mom…" Rory cried out.

And for the first time Rory felt the pain go away.


	9. Being a mother

I do not own Gilmore Girls.

Please review.

Lorelai woke up. She was sitting up with her back against the couch and Rory's head in her lap. Lorelai tried to ignore the pain in her back. It was easy, really. She just concentrated on the pain in her heart. Rory had cried all night and Lorelai wasn't able to figure out the missing piece to the puzzle. She, as a mother, needed to know what was wrong with her daughter. Not knowing was the equivalent of chipping golf balls at her sanity. But Lorelai couldn't help but to also be afraid of the truth, seeing as how it had drastically changed her baby and drove her to suicide. No Lorelai didn't blame herself a little for that little stunt. She knew better. Rory makes her own choices. So Lorelai blamed herself a lot. She had after all raised Rory to make the right choices, and if Rory thought suicide was the answer then she was a bad mother.

Lorelai brushed that thought aside. She couldn't fall apart too. Only one Gilmore was allowed to lose their sanity at a time otherwise it was too crazy to function. Lorelai looked down at her sleeping beauty, who was peacefully sleeping. She rubbed Rory's head as if she was petting a cat.

Lorelai just didn't know what to do right now. She could just continue to hold Rory until she woke up then start asking questions. She could wake Rory up right now and get answers. She could always get up, make coffee, and go to the much needed bathroom. She couldn't decide and the desire to use the restroom was winning out. So she grabbed a pillow from the couch and shifted her little girl's head onto it. Lorelai raced to the bathroom and relieved herself as quickly as possible not wanting to miss her daughter waking up.

When she left the room Paris was standing there looking wrecked, like she hadn't slept in awhile. Lorelai's motherly instincts kicked in and she grabbed the poor girl into a simple hug. She understood that Paris was upset over this too since Rory was Paris' best and only friend.

"She'll be okay." Lorelai comforted. Her job, as a mother, was never done. Her job, as a mother, included mothering over peoples children as well. And she didn't mind it.

"Really?" Paris whispered. It was hard for Lorelai to see the strong and independent Paris shaken up. It was hard to see Paris as needing someone.

"'Cause she just tried to kill herself. How can that be okay?" Paris was frantically searching for a logical answer. She wasn't used to empty assurance. She needed facts.

"I don't know Paris. I'm just hoping." Lorelai's sincere answer didn't seem to help soothe Paris.

"She's my only friend Lorelai, I can't lose her. I need her." Paris sobbed into Lorelai's shoulder. And what seemed like eternity neither of women moved or said anything. There was nothing more that could be said.

Eventually Lorelai nodded her head. Sure, it was because she understood Paris's pain but more so because she agreed with the words. Rory was her best friend and she couldn't imagine life without her.

"You should get back to her. You know? So she doesn't think you've left her." Paris walked into the kitchen. "I'll make some coffee." Lorelai smiled at Paris's ability to move on. But she frowned at the realization that the pain the strawberry blonde had was held inside and wouldn't get better. Lorelai looked over at her sleeping daughter and felt torn. She should really help Paris and what harm could it do since Rory was asleep. But Rory needed her, always. She couldn't forget that. She sighed wishing that those parental books were a little more helpful. She walked over to Paris and took the coffee away from her. She pulled the college student into another bear hug.

"Don't hold it in Paris." She whispered to the kid who only began to cry some more. Paris welcomed the hug and slowly moved her arms so she hugging back. It was all so new to her: feeling pain, getting comfort, comforting back.

"I don't know why but I feel I should apologize for whatever Rory said or did to you. She didn't mean it."

"No. Lorelai. First you shouldn't have to apologize for Rory's actions. Second what she said was true. She just never meant to say it to my face. And you know what? I'm glad she did. Because now I know, and nothing bad can come out of knowing the truth." Paris told her, trying to act wiser than her years. Lorelai saw through this.

"Ignorance is bliss, Paris." Lorelai's simple words were more wise than Paris would have hoped. "At least you were happier when you didn't know."

"Lorelai? Thanks so much. And whatever Rory said to you or did, I'm sorry. She didn't mean it." Paris escaped from the hug and went about making the coffee. Lorelai didn't know if Paris was being a smart ass or if she was genuinely sincere with her words. Lorelai rolled her eyes and retreated to Rory. Dealing was Paris was something those parental help books never included. And well understanding Paris was, well whoever could was certainly in the Guinness book of world records.

Lorelai hesitantly dragged her feet back to Rory. She didn't understand her hesitation to go to her daughter. Maybe it would make her feel more like a failure. As any good mother would do, Lorelai pushed aside her own doubts and resumed her previous position with Rory's head on her lap. Somewhere in the midst of the shifting Rory woke up oblivious to everything that had gone on that morning. She just looked up at her mother with her sleepy eyes and smiled.

"You stayed." The statement was simple. In any other situation Lorelai wouldn't have been hurt by the two words. But this wasn't an ordinary situation. Her daughter had been so lost that suicide seemed like the best situation. Not to mention the fact that Lorelai had disowned her daughter to her face. She had taken part in destroying her destroyed daughter.

"Of course I did." Lorelai smiled a sad smile. She leaned down and kissed her daughter's head. She wanted to apologize, she really honest to goodness wanted to say I'm sorry for disowning you. Lorelai didn't though, and she probably wouldn't. With years and years of feeling abandoned by her mother she had learned that apologies were futile.

"I'm sorry." Rory's voice was small and insecure but Lorelai didn't doubt the sincerity of her words.

"Oh really?" Lorelai paused realizing that perhaps a more serious tone would work better. "I forgive you. I was never mad, just sad sweetie."

"I'm lost without you." Lorelai whispered so quietly that she didn't know if Rory had heard her.

"Me too." Rory's two word statements had more meaning in them then Lorelai would have hoped. She was baffled about this response though. Did Rory also feel lost without her? Or did she forgive Lorelai because she was never mad but sad? Lorelai didn't know, she never would. She accepted her confusion as punishment for letting things get this far between her and Rory.

"Rory honey, what happened? I know it was more then the mugging." Lorelai pleaded with her daughter. All theories of being patient and waiting until Rory was ready flew out the door. She had waited long enough.

"It was." Rory took her time to collect herself.

"After… In the… I had a… miscarriage." Rory said between tears. If she said anything in between it wasn't clear to Lorelai or Paris who was eavesdropping from the kitchen.

"Oh honey." Lorelai cried with her daughter. She didn't need to know anything else. It all made complete sense to her. She hated herself for feeling pity towards her own daughter but she couldn't control her emotions.

So mother and daughter cried in each others arms. The story wasn't over. Their bond was severed. It would never be the same. Actions and words could not be forgotten. Instead the two tried hard to ignore the rift but it would always haunt them.

But their story would continue, separately and as one.


	10. epilogue

I surprisingly still do not own Gilmore Girls despite my secret wishes to one day do so.

Epilogue- Because I feel that there are some loose ends.

Rory Gilmore was never whole again. That much was clear. She had timidly tried to fix things with everyone she had hurt. It was a long haul. Nobody would forgive her easily. Every time she looked at her mother she felt the pain of loss and regret. Her mother never looked at her the same way anymore. Rory Gilmore had fallen and couldn't get up. She had tried counseling and therapy. She had gone on mood enhancing pills. She had done everything she could to feel better. To feel like Rory Gilmore. But today, she accepted defeat.

Today was her last day of group counseling. Today was the day she graduated from the twelve step program of grief. Today was the day where she would accept her diploma without her family cheering her on. She hadn't told anyone what was happening that day. She hadn't really deserved the diploma and she knew it. She had skipped a step. She had skipped the step that said make amends.

She had tried though.

She had apologized profusely to Luke. He nodded his head and hadn't spoken to her since. She had explained everything to her grandparents and they looked at her like she was a failure. Lane had semi forgiven her, understanding that Rory needed a friend. Marty had moved on, finding a warm bed with a red head named Cheryl. Logan was still clueless.

When Rory had apologized to him and begged for his forgiveness he simply hugged her before leaving with his girlfriend or sex buddy. Doyle had accepted her back at the paper because she was one of the best writers he knew. Stars Hollow had welcomed Rory back but were skeptical of her. Paris was surprisingly the easiest to get back.

"Rory sometimes people need to know the truth and I thank you for enlightening me. I forgive you because I don't know what would happen if I didn't. You were there for me with Asher and I'm here for you. Despite the odds Rory, you're going to be okay." Paris had told her.

"Nothing's the same anymore." Rory began her graduation speech.

"Nobody really forgives me. I don't even forgive myself." Some tears fell from her face. "I lost everything. I lost my unborn baby and spiraled out of control. Let me tell you, crash landings suck. I pushed everyone I love to the side, nobody mattered anymore. And I regret doing so." More tears fell down her porcelain face.

"I lost myself that day and I continued to do so. I made everyone I love hate me. And that doesn't help with getting over the pain. I turned into a monster. I drank, I didn't eat, I had mindless sex, well that was pretty good actually." She laughed and the crowd joined her.

"I became what I hated the most. So I hated myself and I was too far into it to just back out. At that point I had nobody to turn to. So I reasoned with myself, who would really be hurt if I died? Obviously it didn't work. I was so reckless about it, I didn't care who found out, who found my body. I knew that people would be hurt by my selfish act." She paused unable to continue at that moment.

"My roommate found me. And then everything went uphill. I cried a lot. I went to the doctor, to the shrink, counseling, everything my mother and I thought would help me."

"One of the steps here is to ask for forgiveness from all those that you hurt. I did and even though everybody 'forgave' me, I know differently. Going home is tense and awkward. Being around those people is just the same. They never forgave me. They don't trust me." She was crying so hard that she choked on some tears.

"I wish I could say I'm better. That standing up here was some kind of achievement, but to me it's just a farce."

"I'm not who I used to be. I'm nobody. So um Emily Dickinson wrote:

I'm nobody! Who are you?  
Are you nobody, too?  
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!  
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!  
How public, like a frog  
To tell your name the livelong day  
To an admiring bog!"

"I guess what I am trying to say to those of you who have just started is that this program as helpful as it is will not produce miracles. Some of us just have to live with our consequences and hope that time will make everything better. Life isn't about happy endings, we all know how life ends…"

Rory walked off the stage forgoing the handshake and diploma tradition. She walked down the aisle and smiled sadly at those who were still lost. Life isn't about happy endings. She was right about that. She just hoped for an okay ending. An ending where she wasn't magically cured of her problems and where people didn't welcome her back with open arms. She had hope for an ending in which she was getting help, in which she had some support and an ending in which the future couldn't be as bad as the present.

the okay end.


End file.
